vivian's 雙寶小確幸

You hear it all the time: "He was such a NICE Guy, and she's such a Heartless Bitch for dumping him."

I get letters from self-professed Nice Guys, complaining that women must WANT to be treated like shit, because THEY, the "Nice Guy" have failed repeatedly in relationships. This is akin to the false logic that "Whales are mammals. Whales live in the sea. Therefore, all mammals live in the sea."

If you have one bad relationship after another, the only common denominator is YOU. Think about it.

What's wrong with Nice Guys? The biggest problem is that most Nice Guys (tm) are hideously insecure. They are so anxious to be liked and loved that they do things for other people to gain acceptance and attention, rather than for the simply pleasure of giving. You never know if a Nice Guy really likes you for who you are, or if he has glommed onto you out of desperation because you actually paid some kind of attention to him.

Nice Guys exude insecurity -- a big red target for the predators of the world. There are women out there who are "users" -- just looking for a sucker to take advantage of. Users home-in on "Nice Guys", stroke their egos, take them for a ride, add a notch to their belts, and move on. It's no wonder so many Nice Guys complain about women being horrible, when the so often the kind of woman that gets attracted to them is the lowest form of life...

Self-confident, caring, decent-hearted women find "Nice Guys" to be too clingy, self-abasing, and insecure.

Nice Guys go overboard. They bring roses to a "lets get together for coffee" date. They try to buy her affections with presents and fancy things. They think they know about romance, but their timing is all wrong, and they either come-on too strong, too hard and too fast, OR, they are so shy and unassertive, that they hang around pretending to be "friends", in the hope that somehow, someway, they will get the courage up to ask her out for a "date".

They are so desperate to please that they put aside their own needs, and place the object of their desire on a pedestal. Instead of appreciating her, they worship her. We are only human, and pedestals are narrow, confining places to be -- not to mention the fact that we tend to fall off of them.

They cling to her, and want to be "one" with her for fear that if she is out of sight, she may disappear or become attracted to someone else. A Nice Guy often has trouble with emotional intimacy, because he believes that if she learns about the REAL person inside, she will no longer love him.

Nice Guys are always asking HER to make the decisions. They think it's being equitable, but it puts an unfair burden of responsibility on her, and gives him the opportunity to blame her if the decision was an unwise one.

Nice Guys rarely speak up when something bothers them, and rarely state clearly what it is they want, need and expect. They fear that any kind of conflict might spell the end of the relationship. Instead of comprimising and negotiating, they repeatedly "give in". When she doesn't appreciate their sacrifice, they will complain that, "Everything I did, I did for her.", as if this somehow elevates them to the status of martyrs. A woman doesn't want a martyr. She wants an equal, caring, adult partner.

Nice Guys think that they will never meet anyone as special as she is. They use their adoration as a foundation for claiming that "no one will ever love her as much as I do." Instead of being a profound statement of their devotion, this is a subtle, but nasty insult. It is akin to saying to her: "You are a difficult person, and only *I* can ever truly love you, so be thankful I'm here."

The nice guy -needs- to believe that he is the best person for the object of his desires, because otherwise his insecurities will overrun him with jealousies and fear. The truth of the matter is that there are many people out there who can be a good match for her. We rarely stop loving people we truly care about. Even if we no longer continue the relationship, the feelings will continue... But love isn't mutually exclusive. We can (and do) love many people in our lives, and romantic love is really no different. Though he may love her immensely, there will likely be other people who have loved her just as much in her past, and will love her just as much in the future. The irony of it all is: "Who would want to go out with someone who was inherintly unlovable anyways?"

More than loving the woman in his life, a Nice Guy NEEDS her. "She is my Life, my only source of happiness..." YECH! What kind of a burden is that to place on her? That SHE has to be responsible for YOUR happiness? Get a grip!

Another mistake Nice Guys make is to go after "hard luck" cases. They deliberately pick women with neuroses, problems, and personality disorders, because Nice Guys are "helpers". A Nice Guy thinks that by "helping" this woman, it will make him a better, more lovable person. He thinks it will give him a sense of accomplishment, and that she will appreciate and love him more, for all his efforts and sacrifice. He is usually disappointed by the results.

This ultimately boils down to the fact that Nice Guys don't like themselves. Is it any wonder women don't like them? In order to truly love someone else, you must first love yourself. Too often Nice Guys mistake obsession for "love".

Get this Guys: INSECURITY ISN'T SEXY. IT'S A TURNOFF.

You don't have to be an ego-inflated, arrogant jerk. You just have to LIKE yourself. You have to know what you want out of life, and go after it. Only then will you be attractive to the kind of woman with whom a long-term relationship is possible.

從小班那邊A來用的 !!!   原文章轉錄於 好人

     為什麼「好人」常常是LOSERS?
                                                                               
     你常常聽到:「他真是一個好人，她把他甩了真是個沒心的婊子」
                                                                                
     我常接那些到從自稱是「好人」的人寫來的信，

     抱怨著女人一定是想要被像屎一般的對待，

     因為這些「好人」一再的在感情上失敗。

     這邏輯就好像「鯨魚是哺乳類動物，而鯨魚住在水裡， 

     所以所有的哺乳類動物都住在水裡」一樣的錯誤。
                                                                               
     如果你在感情上經歷了一次又一次的失敗，其中的共同點就是「你」

     想想吧。
                                                                         
    「好人」到底哪裡不對了？

      多數「好人」最大的問題就是他們沒安全感的令人討厭。

      他們焦急的期望被喜歡被愛以致於他們為別人做的事情

      都是因為想被接納與獲得注意力，

      而不是為了單純得到「給予」所獲得的滿足感。

      你無法知道「好人」是真的喜歡你

      還是因為妳給了他一點注意力所以他八著妳不放。
                                                                               
    「好人」身上散發著不安全感 --- 

      對於掠奪者來說是一個大大的紅色目標。

      有些女人是屬於「利用者」類型的，只想找個呆子來利用佔他的便宜

    「利用者」打擊「好人」的自尊，帶著他們起起落落，

     最後在自己的記錄上記上一筆接著就離開繼續往前走。

     也難怪那麼多「好人」抱怨著女人是多麼的糟糕，

      其實他們所會吸引到的只是最低等的生物罷了。
                                                                               
      有自信、有愛心、有好心腸的女人通常

      覺得「好人」太黏，自我貶低，和沒自信。
                                                                               
      好人追求會做過頭。

     他們帶著玫瑰花去「我們一起喝杯咖啡吧」這類的約會。

     他們試圖著用禮物或花俏的東西去「買」對方的 愛情，

     他們自以為知道什麼叫戀愛，但是他們的時間點全都抓錯了。

     他們不是接近的的太猛烈，要不然就是害羞，不夠武斷。
                                                                                                                          
     他們只渴望著取悅別人卻忘了他們自己的需要，

     把他們自己想要的目標高高的放在台上供奉著，

     不好好的體會她卻膜拜她
     
     她們也只不過是個「人」。那台子實在是個太狹窄的地方了

     她們一不小心就會掉下來。

                                                                                
     他們黏著她，害怕她跑一出他們的視線她就消失不見

     或是被其他人給吸引走所以了恨不得跟她變成一體。

     一個「好人」通常在親暱的情感表達上有障礙，

     (EMOTIONAL INTIMACY)

     因為他認為如果她知道他內心真正的自己，她就不愛他了。
                                                                                
    「好人」總是要她做決定。他們覺得這樣才是公平的。

      但是這樣卻在她身上放了個不公平的責任。

      這樣如果她做的不是一個不聰明的決定，他就可以怪到她頭上
                                                                                
     「好人」心裡不舒服的時候很少說出來，

      也很少清楚的表達他想要、需要、跟期望的是什麼。

      他們怕任何衝突就會結束他們之間的關係。

      他們一再的讓步而不是溝通與妥協。

    「所有我做的事，都是為了她！」

      就好像這樣無形中他就可以提升到一種「犧牲者」的地位。

      女人不需要一個「犧牲者」。

      她要的是平等、關心、成熟的另一半。
                                                                               
     「好人」認為他再也遇不到其他比她更特別（好）的人了。

      他們用對她的仰慕作為可以宣稱

     「沒有人會像我一樣愛她這麼多」的基礎。

       這不但不是一種証明投入的說法，反而是一種很狡滑詭異的汙辱。

       就好像在說

    「妳是個難搞的人，只有我能給你所有的真愛，所以感謝我吧」
                                                                               
    「好人」不得不去相信他是對方最好的選擇，

       因為不然的話他就會被不安全感導致的忌妒與恐懼給占領。

       其實世界上有許多其他人跟她更相配。

       我們很少會停止去愛我們真的在乎的人。

       即使兩人中間的關係已經結束，感覺還是會持續的.....

       但是愛並不是「唯一」的。

       我們可能（事實上我們也會）在生命中愛過許多人
     
       愛情也是一樣。或許他真的很愛她，
 
      但是過去中八成也有其他人一樣的愛過她，

       而未來也會一樣的愛她。
 
      諷刺地方是「誰要跟一個不是別人喜愛的人出去（交往）啊？」
                                                                                
       除了要愛她以外，「好人」需要她。

   「她是我的生命，我快樂的唯一來源」。

     天啊，你放在她身上的是什麼樣的負擔啊？

     她需要為了你的快樂負責？醒醒吧。
                                                                               
     另一個「好人」常犯的錯誤就是他們喜歡去追那些「不幸」的對象。

     他們故意的去選擇那些有問題，

     人格有缺陷的對象因為「好人」是「愛幫忙的人」。

     他覺得因為他幫忙這個女人，

     他的付出與犧牲這樣對方就會感激他而且更愛他。

     他通常會對結果感到失望。
                                                                               
     最後這可以總結到「好人」不喜歡他們自己。

     那這樣女人喜歡不上他們會很奇怪嗎？

     要去真的愛別人之前，你必須先愛你自己。
     
     好人常常把「迷戀」與「愛」搞混。
                                                                                
     聽著：不安全感一點都不性感，而且還令人倒胃口。
                                                                               
     你用不著去當一個自我膨脹，自大的混蛋。

     你只要愛你自己。




     你得知道在你生命裡，
 
    你要的是什麼，並且追求它。